Everyone is aware of that dreadful feeling when nature is calling and you’re not really close to any particular porcelain throne. About halfway between two thrones (the house and the shop, 0.5 miles apart), the urge to go became a mandate out of nowhere! Is this a natural part of aging to skip transition!!!?
Rapid fire thoughts possessed me: walk faster, drop ’em-and-go…you’re in the woods anyway, think about something else, run!
Well walking faster didn’t help and only appeared to give the mandate to “GO” a proclamation that it was imminent and about to commence if a new plan wasn’t readily applied. Drop ’em-and-go was not appealing as my arms were full carrying sundry items, TP was not abundant and three inches of rain had fallen in the past two days.
Mind you, detonation is getting ever closer with each failed second to execute a sensible solution to stop this very natural and rhythmic occurrence. My mind on more than one occasion heard: T-minus 10 seconds and counting filled by get it over with already you imbecile.
Thinking about something else didn’t assuage my fears of blastoff, so my mind moved the body quickly to running! Keep in mind all previous measures were executed in a matter of seconds.
Running seemed to work well, tightening up the drawstring on what was for certain to be the first mishap in my geriatric journey.
Not so fast, though. A running body in motion will not stay in motion as it begins to tire. Did I mention I was running up hill packing other things? As I began to slow I felt that the force of gravity (9.28 meters per second squared) was acting cruelly upon my intestinal track and this shouldn’t happen.
I’m out of air. My bowels say RUN. My body says YES, RUN. My lungs say NO! I see the distant shop (one hundred yards is distant when this kind of travail strikes) and there’s a renewed hope. RUN Aaron, run!
Happily, the report is that running carried the load to the desired throne. It’s said all’s well that ENDS well. Today I concur.
HOUSTON, WE HAVE LIFTOFF.
WARNING: Don’t try this at home. People can and do fail in attempting this. Not all participants achieve the same results. Past performance is not an indicator of future success.
Written by Aaron Peters